The Lisbon Treaty in the Treaty Heaven with other treaties having met a violent end, including the Molotov–Ribbetrop Pact and the Oslo Peace Treaty.

Because our demands were not met, we had to kill the Lisbon Treaty. Its corpse can be found in the woods close to the Schengen border.

The Lisbon Treaty tried to escape. We caught our pitiable runaway sobbing, "I am not the Lisbon Treaty but the Treaty of Accession for Croatia." This attempt to hide its identity did not fool our guerillas who brought strongly resisting Lisbon Treaty back to its cell.

NATO Response Forces tried to release the Lisbon Treaty. Our guard, however, remained vigilant.

We, the Trade and Gas Emission Liberation Front, have kidnapped the Lisbon Treaty and will release it only if all of our demands will be met within 3 days.

We demand that the EU will return to the correct economic policy of laissez-faire, non-interference in economic activity. Bans on Irish dioxin meat, some GMO crops, plutonium trade, and trafficking in human beings must be lifted at once.

The most serious interference in the market by the EU and its member states are the bank subsidies and budgetary economic stimulus packages. In order to stop this unhealthy move at once, we demand that the EU will pay us the whole sum of its coordinated budgetary impulse, 200 billion euros. The sum, in small, used banknotes, should be left in the dust bin of the parking lot behind the Exxon petrol station by noon.

We request the immediate release of political prisoners Linda Lay and Jeffrey Skilling of Enron, Calisto Tanzi of Parmalat, and Bernard Madoff, the ex-chairman of the Nasdaq stock market, all victims of state intrusion in creative entrepreneurship.